The Council of Elrond: A Parody
by Peacharwen77
Summary: The Council gathers in Rivendell to decide what must be done about the One Ring. This was a short story written by a very good friend of mine and I told her I would love to post it because every time I read it, I burst into giggles. I hope you do, too!


FOTR Council of Elrond Parody Scene

All were gathered in the Council chambers for one reason and one reason alone. Dwarves, elves, hobbits, and men had not been seen sitting together in nearly an Age; at least not since the Dwarves refused to play the part of the Seven Dwarves at the Inter-Land Playhouse Rendition of Snow-White. Here, animosity began running high.

"If you plan to invite dwarves to a meeting, at _least_ bring the salted pork! Elves know nothing of true hospitality," cried Gimli, a rather fiery gnome of a dwarf.

"Salted pork would just make you stay longer! Why would we want that?" shouted a pointy-eared blonde elf named Legolas as he continued to use the flat-iron on his hair.

"Enough!" exclaimed Elrond. "There will be no bantering in my council room!" He stood, an old (and by old, I mean he made dirt look young) angry elf with what seemed to be a large bushy caterpillar above each eye and a permanent crinkle to his face, as though he had just eaten a lemon. "All of you are here to answer the threat of Mordor! You have traveled from—"

"What?!" cried Legolas. "I thought we were here for the 'Rivendell Annual Perfect Hair Finals? Pfft! I'm out!" The elf stood, grabbing his brush, comb, and flat-iron in a huff of disbelief.

Aragorn, a rather gruff mortal man who appeared to know nothing about the power of soap, stood and grabbed Legolas by the scruff of the neck. "Sit; stay. Good boy." Aragorn tossed a piece of Lembas bread to him, which Legolas excitedly caught in his mouth.

"No really," Elrond continued, "the One Ring is here and I don't want this evil shit in my house! I need it out by dinner tonight. I am having friends over for Boggle© and I don't want them seeing dwarves at my house. Frodo, bring it up here." Elrond gestured to the folding table in the middle of the room.

Frodo, being a rather short hobbit, walked slowly towards the table, scaling the three-step stool placed next to the four-foot table. Reaching into his pockets, Frodo placed on the table the contents in his hand. Looking through the pile, the members around the table saw some silly string, a slinky, a movie stub from "The Notebook," three hardened Cheetos©, a frog that hopped away, a pair of glow-in-the-dark fake teeth—

Gimli snickered. "Now _those_ were memorable!" Gandalf, an older wizard though nowhere near as old as Elrond, rolled his eyes at the whole situation.

Elrond looked at the mound of assorted crap on the table. "Really? What did you do last night?"

"What happens in Rivendell stays in Rivendell!"

Several other hobbits snickered to themselves, looking at each other as they exchanged high-fives. Frodo noticed the added anger in Elrond's face as the eyebrow caterpillar shifted to the center of his forehead. Reaching back into his pocket, Frodo placed the ring on the table as well. Taking only the slinky, Frodo skipped back to his seat, playing as he went. Boromir, another rather dirty mortal man, slapped the slinky from Frodo's hand.

Frodo turned to Boromir whining, "Someone didn't get enough hugs as a child!"

"Why does the Ring have the face of Mr. Yuck?" asked Boromir, standing.

Aragorn looked at him. "Because it is pure evil! How better to show the severity of the danger within?"

Boromir began thinking aloud. "Let me take the Ring to Gondor. Let us use it to fight the enemy. Too long have my people suffered to defend these lands!"

"Suffered? You live like royalty!" Legolas cried.

"Legolas, you know nothing! We have no air-conditioning or central air!"

"How is _that_ suffering? You have brushes for your hair. What else could you possibly need?"

"You have no idea how _hot_ it gets out there. We sweat EVERY DAY!"

Gimli chimed in then. "You think _that_ is suffering? Try living in a cave! When one dwarf has beans on his taco, we ALL know about it!"

"Enough!" Elrond screamed. "I want this Ring out of my face in the next twenty minutes or heads are gonna roll!" The caterpillar now made its way to Elrond's hairline with his latest outburst.

Gandalf threw his hands up, finally having enough of this bantering himself. "Fine! How about we draw straws? Short one goes to Mount Doom and throws the Ring into the volcano. Don't worry, you will get SPF 5000 sunscreen."

"Really, drawing straws?" asked Elrond. "You are in _my_ house and you expect _me_ to draw straws? Just because there are dwarves present does NOT mean we have to lower ourselves to straws!" Elrond placed his pointer finger on his nose, exclaiming, "NOSE GOES!"

Most of the other members of the meeting rapidly placed their fingers on their noses as well, not wishing to be the last one to follow suit. Frodo, on the other hand, having slipped away during the bickering, was now playing with the slinky, paying no attention to the goings-on around him. Hearing the several different chuckles, Frodo finally looked up, noticing everyone else with their fingers on their noses.

"Damn! What did I miss?"

Gandalf, rolling his eyes, scolded, "Pay attention next time! _You_ get to take the Ring to Mordor!"

"Isn't there a height requirement for epic adventures?"

"Nope. You should have listened."

"Okay, but I get to pick who goes with me."

Elrond pondered this for a moment. "Fine. You get one from each race represented, plus Aragorn."

"What?! Why do _I_ have to go?"

"Because I am your active guardian and I say so!"

"But I'm like…86 years old! I can do what I want."

"Like _hell_ you can! You will go, boy, or you'll do it with tears in your eyes!"

Crossing his arms, Aragorn pouted. "I guess I am in then. Lego, you better be coming, too!"

Horrified, Legolas looked over at his long-time friend. " _Hell no!_ And wreck my hair?"

"If you don't, I will tell your father about that time—"

"Shut up both of you!" Gandalf snapped. "You are both going, and so is the dwarf. Oh, Boromir, you should come too. We need someone to kill off first, after I fake my death, and it should be you. Heehee." Gandalf smirked to himself.

Boromir not liking what he heard, stammered, "Shouldn't we bring a stupid guy for that? They are always the ones who die first!"

"Are you saying you don't fit in that position? Really? And where do you suppose we find one of them?"

"Well, we could go to…no they're all dead. How about…that won't work, they're all in a chain gang there." He sighed. "Okay, I am in. But only if I get the glow-in-the-dark teeth." Gandalf sighed, rolling his eyes again, but he reached out, grabbed them, and tossed the fake teeth to Boromir. Wiping them on his tunic, he smiled as he placed the teeth in his mouth.

"But—"

"Don't even start, Frodo! He is going to die soon anyways," explained Gandalf, "so just let him have his moment. You can take them back when he is dead."

Extremely relieved that this meeting was coming to a close, Elrond chimed in. "Then it is settled. All of the hobbits will go—"

"What?! No way!"

"—as will Gandalf—"

"Hold on! I didn't agree to—"

"—Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli," he finished. Muttering under his breath, he added, "Thank Eru." Elrond continued to speak to the crowd, adding, "Boromir is going as well. So you will have Legolas's bow, Gimli's axe, which I hope he drops on his foot! HAHAHA! You will also have the swords of Boromir and Aragorn, the staff of Gandalf, and Sam's…spade? Hoe thingy?"

"And my shovel! Don't forget the shovel!"

Pippin, one of the other hobbits present, exclaimed, "What do I get? Where is my weapon?"

"A butter knife." Elrond held out the knife for all to see. "You are less likely to hurt yourself that way. Here, make sure you hold the dull end. Should I color code it for you?"

"Why don't I get a sword?"

Merry, his closest hobbit friend, stated, "Pip, remember what happened the last time you blew your nose?"

"Oh, paper cut! Right! I think a butter knife suits me well." Taking his 'weapon' from Elrond, Pippin walked back to his seat, dropping it twice on his way there. Both Gandalf and Elrond rolled their eyes in frustration.

Returning to his conversation, with the caterpillar on his forehead now crawling down the bridge of his nose, Elrond continued. "Merry, for you I have a laser pointer. Use it well. If Legolas and Gimli begin arguing, just point the laser and Legolas will be utterly distracted. Use it with caution, though. He will shoot the red dot with—"

Trying the laser pointer, before Elrond could warn Merry otherwise, he pointed the red dot at Gimli. Legolas instinctively shot the dot, slicing an arrow through the air and into Gimli's leg.

"See, every time! Okay, now that this is settled, everyone out! Jeopardy is on in five, and I don't want to miss it." Elrond left the council room, caterpillar and all.

Frodo leapt to his feet, wanting to get this quest over with. "Come on guys! Let's blow this taco stand!"

Gimli jumped up. "Tacos?!"

Everyone simply shook their heads. Many hushed comments of _Damn Dwarf_ were heard around the table.

Frodo began walking towards the arch, exiting the room and leading the small group of travelers. "Gandalf, is Mordor left or right?"

"Left. No, the _other_ left, stupid Hobbit! This should be interesting. If I jump off a cliff, would you follow? Don't answer that. Frodo…you do have the Ring, right?"

Running back to the table, Frodo grabbed the Mr. Yuck Ring and headed back to the door. "Yep!"

Rolling his eyes, Gandalf slapped Frodo in the back of the head.

Reluctantly, the new formed fellowship began their journey to destroy the ring.

"Are we there yet? I am hungry."

"Shut up, Pip!"

THE END


End file.
